How to Audit Aphids

This post to alt.religion.scientology by Perry Scott shows how measurements of body conductance can provide some useful data in the hands of a real scientist. Some technical terms and abbreviations may need explanation:

An "op amp" is an operational amplifier: a type of integrated circuit chip.
The codes LF, LFBD, and RS are Scientology abbreviations for needle movements on the e-meter. LF = Long Fall, LFBD = Long Fall with Blowdown (needle goes offscale, necessitating readjustment of the range control), and RS = Rockslam, an indication of mental turbulence and an Evil Purpose.
GE refers to the "genetic engram", a sort of racial memory idea invented by Hubbard.

From perry@fc.hp.com Sun Dec 10 14:34:40 EST 1995
Article: 137540 of alt.religion.scientology
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From: perry@fc.hp.com (Perry Scott)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Subject: How to Audit Aphids
Date: 6 Dec 1995 01:02:45 GMT
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In another string, I alluded to auditing aphids. Here is the whole story.

While I was an undergrad, I "audited" aphids with a 741 op amp connected to a strip recorder. (for you non EE types, I think the 741 was invented shortly after vacuum tubes.) The Agriculture College was trying to understand how aphids ate wheat leaves. More to the point, the College was interested in developing wheat that was more resistant to aphids. Since the thought of giving a roomful of undergrad students magnifying glasses and locking them in a roomful of wheat and aphids was ethically unappealing, even to the Dean of Agriculture, I was asked to come up with a circuit to monitor their feeding patterns.

Armed with an old schematic of what I now recognize as Hubbard's Aphid ElectroPsychoMeter (tm), I set out to improve on the design. The idea is to glue a fine silver wire to the back of an aphid with an infinitesimally small drop of silver paint, conect the other end of the wire to an amplifier, connect the wheat plant to the amplifier, and we have a circuit. Never mind that the aphid is too stupid to know something is stuck to his back. We then connect the amplifier to a strip recorder, which keeps track of the change in output voltage over time.

After balancing the op-amp while the aphid is just lounging around (similar to asking a preclear some null questions before auditing to adjust the Tone Arm), you sit back and watch the F/N on the strip. As auditing continues and the aphid gets hungry, you see a Long Fall, or possibly a LFBD. Eventually, the aphid reveals his Evil Intention and produces a Rock Slam (R/S in the PC folders). A series of R/S show the feeding pattern.

What's actually happening here is:

The aphid pokes the leaf (LF/LFBD)
Injects its stomach contents (RS)
Waits a little bit for the leaf to digest (F/N)
Sucks it back up (another RS)
Repeat until cognition or full

We eventually contacted the GE engram responsibile for these disgusting table manners.

I hereby attest to OT7 (talking to animals) and Level 8 Auditor (since I had to exteriorize to do this). The tech has given me such wonderful gains.

BTW, the University used this technology for almost five years and indeed bred wheat that ended up in your stomach instead of inside some aphid with bad table manners.

Perry Scott
Co$ Escapee